Why music?

I've been struggling over the last couple of months to remember why I ever chose music as a career.

Today, I had three mini-gigs - unpaid, low profile, and completely unglamorous. I was reminded of three things I love about music.

Joy
The first was playing Christmas carols with my friend Anna Rosa Mari at St James' Church, Didsbury, for their Christmas fair. St James is my home, I work there and I love the church family. We played in the baptistry while people milled around and bought jams and other yummy goods. We were not warmed up, and we were sight-reading - hardly being professional! But people loved it. They really did - you could see it in their faces, as they smiled, clapped and approached us with encouraging compliments.  Their joy fed ours, and, honestly, I got more satisfaction from playing that simple music than I have from anything else I've done in a long time.

Harmony
At mid-day, I joined a group of St James singers at The Parsonage, singing some well-known carols. I remember once telling a teacher in high school that one of the reasons I loved music was, 'The way two notes sound together'. Cheesy, naive, and some of you probably want to vom. But it's TRUE! I sing alto, and love feeling that I'm adding resonance and interest to the melody. Two is better than one, and four, or SATB, is even more fun. Nothing beats human voices coming together in a final perfect cadence, finding the place where all is resolved.

Curiosity
This afternoon Lazaros ceilidh band braved the cold and did a jamming sesh at the Manchester Christmas Markets. I am always struck while busking how little children inevitably slow down, stop and stare at us, the performers. They have a natural curiosity which makes playing in freezing conditions worthwhile. Some of them will smile and dance, too, but the vast majority of them will gaze and gaze, almost unblinking, drinking everything in with intense concentration. The fact that they get their parents to stop and give us money is also a plus, of course!

Lazaros Ceilidh Band

Part of the reason for me reviving this blog is to try to answer my questions... Why did I choose music? Why is it so HARD? What is it I really love about it? What do I want to do with it? May I always be curious, like a little child... 'The Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these'. 

Music is not my life

I have a confession to make... I haven't practised for 15 days. As in, I haven't picked up my flute, apart from one lesson in which I played duets with my student.

I've also just missed two deadlines for auditions for orchestral programmes which, I really, logically, should have done - they're the kind of opportunities that I 'can't afford to miss'.

And the truth is, I'm happier, more relaxed, more excited about music - all kinds, improvising, playing piano, singing and fluting. 

Over the past two weeks I've watched TV, baked, slept in and done all my normal teaching and church work (included helping to organise an ITV broadcast!). I've been out to coffee houses, had lunch with friends, played piano for fun, made lists of exciting places to visit with my boyfriend, listened to music, made an advent calendar, been clothes shopping and sampled Gluwein at Christmas markets...

In laying down my flute, I've laid down all the critical voices that have wound themselves into my playing, into my very definition of myself. I've laid down limits, expectations, pressures and 'should haves'. And it feels wonderful.

In short, I've remembered what it's like to enjoy creativity.

At a huge multi-level Waterstones in Birmingham yesterday, I stumbled across a book called The Happiness Advantage. This little gem of wisdom was in the blurb:

"When it comes to the pursuit of success and happiness, most people assume the same formula: if you work hard, you will become successful, and once you become successful, then you'll be happy. The only problem is that a decade of cutting-edge research in the field of positive psychology has proven that this formula is backwards. Success does not beget happiness... happiness actually fuels success and performance, not the other way around." 

Music is not my life. My life is so much bigger, fuller and richer than that. And, I believe, if I am to have any chance of being a happy musician, I have to be a happy person first.

Don't get me wrong, I know I need to practise. Or, rather, I need to play! A fortnight off is a luxury, certainly not the norm. But how much better equipped I am now to play with joy and, yes, with focus, now that I'm not groaning under the weight of failed expectations and pressures.

I'm feeling so good that I might actually pick up my flute tomorrow...!