Music is not my life

I have a confession to make... I haven't practised for 15 days. As in, I haven't picked up my flute, apart from one lesson in which I played duets with my student.

I've also just missed two deadlines for auditions for orchestral programmes which, I really, logically, should have done - they're the kind of opportunities that I 'can't afford to miss'.

And the truth is, I'm happier, more relaxed, more excited about music - all kinds, improvising, playing piano, singing and fluting. 

Over the past two weeks I've watched TV, baked, slept in and done all my normal teaching and church work (included helping to organise an ITV broadcast!). I've been out to coffee houses, had lunch with friends, played piano for fun, made lists of exciting places to visit with my boyfriend, listened to music, made an advent calendar, been clothes shopping and sampled Gluwein at Christmas markets...

In laying down my flute, I've laid down all the critical voices that have wound themselves into my playing, into my very definition of myself. I've laid down limits, expectations, pressures and 'should haves'. And it feels wonderful.

In short, I've remembered what it's like to enjoy creativity.

At a huge multi-level Waterstones in Birmingham yesterday, I stumbled across a book called The Happiness Advantage. This little gem of wisdom was in the blurb:

"When it comes to the pursuit of success and happiness, most people assume the same formula: if you work hard, you will become successful, and once you become successful, then you'll be happy. The only problem is that a decade of cutting-edge research in the field of positive psychology has proven that this formula is backwards. Success does not beget happiness... happiness actually fuels success and performance, not the other way around." 

Music is not my life. My life is so much bigger, fuller and richer than that. And, I believe, if I am to have any chance of being a happy musician, I have to be a happy person first.

Don't get me wrong, I know I need to practise. Or, rather, I need to play! A fortnight off is a luxury, certainly not the norm. But how much better equipped I am now to play with joy and, yes, with focus, now that I'm not groaning under the weight of failed expectations and pressures.

I'm feeling so good that I might actually pick up my flute tomorrow...!